my everyday source of joy

Last February 15, my baby turned 1. I couldn't believe it! Seems only yesterday when i was feeling him move inside me and waiting for him to come out. Fil and i survived the first year and though it's been said many times over and over again like a broken record that having a baby is life-changing, I couldn't agree enough.

Up until the day i had Racrac, my life's major moments included graduating from college and working on a Master's degree, securing a stable job and getting promoted, traveling in search for adventure, taking beautiful photos, doing small charities...building myself a house. I was single for 33 years and when these things happened i was truly happy and proud.

Yet i have always wanted to be part of something else, to belong, to have a family. In life, we know the cycle: graduate, work, get married, have children. I have friends who followed this pattern. It was like finding a life partner was easy for them, that they never thought twice about getting married or doubted the man they vowed to spend the rest of their lives with. I thought life was that simple too so i surrendered my fate to marrying my college sweetheart as soon as we're done with school. But he broke my heart so I deviated...departed from the path. Work was my escape. It was exciting, addictive, gratifying. But later it became a drag and before i knew it i was nearing 30 so i panicked, retraced my steps and followed the trail. I met Mr. Nice Guy but we forced the issue: we talked about the 'M' word too early that we overlooked some things important in a relationship - like compatibility, for example. I remember he told me "if the shoe fits, wear it." I wore it, it was the right size, but it didn't match my dress.

And so I went on with my search. But sheez, finding a man to marry at age 30 when you've accomplished quite much for yourself was a herculean task - difficult, frustrating, disenchanting. The men i met were either married, gay, single and promiscuous, single with no direction in life or single and insecure. So I stopped looking...then surprise, surprise, i met Fil. Since we've been together, I had so many additions to my list of happy moments: our travels, meeting his family and friends, having my visa approved, arriving in the US and getting married. Intersperced among those moments was the news of being blessed with a baby. I was overjoyed!

But i was wrong. I didn't know until i gave birth to Racrac that the list would seem lame and lackluster. Though i am proud of my personal accomplishments and recognize them as part of who and what i am now, I am surprised by how much his entry into my life has made me happy. I love my pet cat like crazy and i love kids...i adore my nephews and nieces but nothing came close to holding my own and be entrusted with his life. It brought sensations of joy and happiness mixed with fear and nervous anticipation of my new role and responsibility. I wasn't lucky to do a normal delivery but i was awake and conscious under the knife and my eyes welled up when i heard his first cry. That moment wasn't captured: no photographs, no videos...but the feeling and the memory i will forever remember and keep.

As i watch him grow, i always recall our first days together. During those early morning feedings, i remember him going back to sleep with his face pressed against my breasts. I would be holding him while listening to his soft breathing and the music (Beethoven's Sonata Pathetique) coming from one of his crib toys. Those were sweet moments and the memory soothes me like hot chocolate with marshmallows on a cold, cold day.

Fast forward to now and here he is: a happy healthy sweet active playful baby who is always laughing, cooing, smiling, talking, dancing, giggling, wiggling. I revel in everything he does like the feel of his small hands exploring my face or pulling my hair, the sound of his laughter, his awkwardly cute dance steps, his embrace, his bright round eyes, his healthy glow, his energy...his very presence.

But days are not always bright and gay. There are days when i felt tired, exhausted, uninterested. A couple of times he broke my patience so i shouted at him and he cried...but he didn't ran away. Instead he extended his tiny arms and reached for me (while crying) and i picked him up and we ended up in a sweet embrace. Hayyy...the joys and pains of motherhood. This may sound corny to some but if you are a mother or a father or has ever lived with a baby, i know that you feel me.

The day Fil and i got married, love and hope for the future filled us. It sealed our relationship and legalized the developing baby. That day marked the end of my crazy life (and his crazy life too, if i may say) and the beginning of a new one for us together. The ceremony was not the end of our journey, not the culmination of our dreams, definitely not the ever after of fairy tales nor the epilogue of a story. It was our prelude to joy. Joy has taken a different meaning for me now: it is no longer simply a word i interchange with happiness nor an abstract concept used to express a positive emotion. Joy is my life now with Fil and baby Raclif and i am thankful for experiencing it everyday.

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double snowy celebration

Feb 13-16, 2009. Just got back from a 4-day stay in South Lake Tahoe where we spent Valentine's day and Racrac's 1st birthday. Friday the 13th we left Fremont around 7am, picked up Auntie Bella and Norma in San Francisco and proceeded to HWY 50 despite radio warnings that the road has been temporarily closed due to heavy snowfall. Luckily, it was reopened a couple of hours later but we had to put on tire chains somewhere in Apple Hill. We arrived safely after a 7-hour drive and we were rewarded with what we came for: snow, snow, snow!

We fell in love with our 3-bedroom warm and cozy knotty-pine cabin located just 2 blocks from the lake. it has everything we needed...even wireless internet (yehey!). it gives you that homey feeling especially when all you want to do is snuggle or enjoy a warm drink to fight the chill. temperature was 24degF (-4degC) at 6pm, waaayyy too low for us who are so used to the 50degF average winter temp in the Bay Area.

We woke up to a heavy snowfall on Valentine's day but the sun showed up around noon so we went out for some souvenir-shopping and sightseeing. The lolas spent a couple of hours at the casino located just a block from the California-Nevada stateline while Fil, Racrac and i strolled around Heavenly Village, checking out the stores and watching the gondolas go up and down the alpine mountain. We promised to ride next year. Racrac is still too young now and uncooperative for this kind of adventure.

Fil cooked steak for dinner but he had to do it pan-grilled 'coz it was too cold to do the grilling outside. Come to think of it, it was the same dinner he prepared for me last Valentine's (i was already having serious labor contractions at that time) which made me think it was probably why i ended up at C-section. I was so stuffed last year baby Racrac had difficulty coming out hihihi.


Sunday, Feb 15, was Racrac's birthday. We went out to play in the snow but Racrac cried as soon as we put on his snow bib and jacket. Poor birthday boy! Only his face was left exposed and he didn't like it so we settled for a few photos in the snow and that was it. Maybe next year he'll be happy to meet Mr. Snowman.

Late afternoon we went to Harrah's for my casino baptism-of-fire but the whole place was covered in cigarette smoke so we transferred to Bill's for a non-smoking casino fun. Fil stayed with Racrac at the bar while i and the lolas gambled. They taught me how to operate the slot machine and after i learned the basics it was easy. All it really required from me was to press the "spin" button on the screen to play the game. I marched out of the casino $28 richer, a great feat considering i only bet 15 cents for every game and we played for only a little over an hour. Could it be beginner's luck? Maybe.

Auntie Bella treated us to a buffet dinner at Harrah's then we went back to the cabin to light racrac's birthday cake. He doesn't 't know how to blow the candle yet but he sure knows how to play with his cake. So messy but soooo cute! :-)

Monday, President's day holiday, was time for us to go home. Traffic was slow...we were literally crawling our way out of the town. We even had to drive against a snowstorm and when it was finally safe, we removed the chains. It was cloudy when we entered San Francisco and the rain poured after we dropped the lolas and we headed home.

And that's what i can call a vacation: stress-free, no schedule to follow, most of our time spent indoor watching TV together, singing to Racrac's playtime DVD, sharing a meal, chatting over coffee or simply gazing out the window and watch the flurries dance their way down to the already-snow-covered-ground. I love snow, especially the feel of the flurries lightly touching my cheeks and the sight of houses and cars and trees covered in pure heavenly white...definitely mother nature's work of art.

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You Made Me Live Again

It's Valentine's day and i'm in the mood for love songs. There are millions of beautiful songs out there but when asked to name a favorite, this OPM classic by Janet Basco always jumps out of me. I was 9 years old when my dad's female client filing for annulment of her marriage patiently taught it to me. I don't remember her name anymore but i can still visualize her singing it to me "with feelings" and making me sing after her. She said she dedicates it to her newfound love. I had no idea then what she meant but now, having been through relationships myself, i understand why. It sure is a wonderful feeling to have finally found someone who makes you smile again...



I was down and out
And feelin' so low
You took my hand and eased my mind;
I was astray
You showed me the way
And now I fin'lly found my home in you
I still recall
The times I've been through
Confused and didn't know what to do
I almost gave up
But you gave me hope
You've made me strong as the days went on
You made me live again

I was lost in the dark
With my lonely, broken heart
Then you came along
You took me home
And made me your own

You were always there
To lend a helping hand
When good friends were hard to find
When things went wrong
You made them right
You've made my days so bright
You made me live again

I was lost in the dark
With my lonely, broken heart
Then you came along
You took me home
And made me your own

Now look at me
Yes, a diff'rent me
Back on my feet again
I'm not afraid
To face the world again
'Cause you taught me how to be strong
You made me live again...

You made me live again...

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home for the holidays

February is here and it's a shame that i still haven't blogged about our Christmas vacation. I'm just busy doing nothing? hehehe...or maybe daydreaming?...still in denial that i am actually back here in the US fighting the winter chill? I know, i know...vacation is longgg over and time for me to move on. But before i do, let me write about it. We had a wonderful time in the Philippines and here are some i'd forever keep in my memory:

1. Family bonding. Being the first apo, the goal is for Racrac to spend time with his lolos and lolas. We spent Christmas in Manila at my parents' house, attended the christening of my nephew AJ, took a short trip to Tagaytay with the whole family and checked out the new Manila Ocean Park with my brother's family for an underwater experience. Racrac also enjoyed playing with his one & only first cousin AJ who is 8 months younger than him.

In Davao, he bonded with his lolo Willie and lola Pacita for two full weeks. We ate out, drove around the city, quietly welcomed the new year (ssshhh, bawal ang paputok!), went swimming and beach resort hopping, malling and just walking and running around the house playing with whatever he could find while being watched by his lolo who had difficulty catching up with him hihihi.

My mom also flew from Manila to Davao after new year so she was able to meet Fil's parents and spend more time with her apo.

2. Beach resort hopping in Samal Island, Davao - The good thing about Samal Island is that you face the waters and you don't see endless open sea but you get a panoramic view of Davao City making you feel happy that you are in an island enjoying the wind and the wave and the sun and the sand. Paradise Island Resort is still the best in its league when it comes to accessibility, cleanliness, food and service. And their waters are always more fun, i wonder why?

Chemas-by-the-Sea Resort on the right side of Paradise (if you're facing the resorts) is a welcome change from the usual noisy, party-like resort atmosphere. We enjoyed the semi-privacy and we were lucky to get the best spot but the swimming pool is too cold, food is so-so and the service, very poor. We're also not happy with having to climb to the restaurant and the steps leading down to the beach have very wide gaps. Not senior-and-kid-friendly. But it's still a new resort so i forgive them. I hope that time will see them improve.

Blue Jaz Resort on the left side of Paradise, we learned, is owned by an American from Florida who married a Samal native. Lucky girl! It's a wholesome fun family place: nicely-decorated bar, airconditioned overnight accommodations, nipa huts and swimming pool. The kids will love the giant water slides, kiddie pool and trampoline. Manong our waiter said they opened to the public only summer of last year and the owners still have big plans for the resort. I suggest they improve on their boat transfer 'coz we waited for so long under the sun just to get to a boat which we thought would never come and when it did, it was pure chaos: paunahan and nobody there to assure me that the boat is not overloaded.

3. Food, family and friends. What's a vacation without food trips? And what's food without having family and friends to share it with? In Davao, we had our fill at Jack's Ridge (delicious, as always!), New Asia Restaurant (to satisfy Fil and his dad's craving for crabs), Probinsya (buffet lunch for P215, go go go!), Bigby's, Gardena Fresca (the best spareribs, we ate there twice!), Yellow Fin, Marco Polo lobby lounge (love the prime beef burger!), Cafe Josefina at Apo View hotel (buffet afternoon snacks for P125 each, why not?!!!), Taps and of course our everyday garlic fried rice-eggs-hotdogs breakfast combo. So yummy!

In Manila, Fil finally had the tapsilog breakfast he's been dreaming of at Max's and we had dinner at Kalye Juan and Mannang in Mall of Asia during the couple of times we went there to shop. Mannang is the filipino version of Mann Hann restaurant if you don't like chinese food.

In Tagaytay, we wanted to go back to Viewpoint Restaurant where we had dinner last year but it is located farther down the main highway and the weekend traffic wasn't encouraging so settled for Dencio's instead. Good decision 'coz later we found out that Gerry's Grill has occupied the original site of Viewpoint and we don't know where Viewpoint has relocated or if it still exists.

In Makati, we had a sumptuous classic Filipino dinner at Fely J's for two consecutive nights at the new Greenbelt 5. We went there at my insistence after reading it at a PAL mabuhay magazine. While waiting for our order, the couple next to our table heard us talking in "bisaya" which caught their attention and guess what, they were Fil's classmates in high school! Small world, huh! We joined our tables and Fil got too excited with the conversation that he suddenly lost interest in the food. When we met for dinner with my friends Gracie, Grace & Wilma the following night, we decided to eat there again! Highly recommended: lola ising's adobo, beef mechado, thai green curry.

We also stayed at Shangri-la Hotel Makati during the last two nights of our vacation and the overwhelming open-kitchen buffet breakfast at Circle's were just too tempting to resist.

4. Love being pampered! - After a long flight and a week of driving around the city and frolicking on the beach, there's nothing like surrendering your body and soul to a mind-relaxing stress-relieving massage. This we experienced at Lazuli Spa luxuriously located at The Deck of Marco Polo Davao where I had my 60-minute warm herbal oil massage twice. I also love my 2-hour "happy feet" treatment at Philosophy Salon which included foot spa, reflexology, pedicure and manicure (with free iced tea and cheese sandwich). I have to tell you my feet felt not only smoother and lighter but they were literally smiling as i step out of salon hehehe. Love it!

5. Coffee Experience. Coffee addicts? Guilty! In Davao, Fil and i spent some alone time "coffeenetting" (coffee+internet) at Blugre Coffee in MTS and had animated conversations over coffee with UP KBytes at Coffee Dream in SM Davao, Karlo's Coffee Station at Jack's Ridge and Bo's Coffee. We brought my mom who's also addicted to caffeine to Figaro hoping for lava cake but they don't have it anymore so we settled for coffee and ensaymada instead.

In Manila, we tried The Coffee Experience in SM Southmall to take a break from the crazy christmas holiday crowd, Starbucks Coffee in Mall of Asia (again to take a break from the crazy christmas holiday crowd), Figaro in Tagaytay (the only one that sells Barako blend, our favorite!), Figaro and UCC Park Cafe in Glorietta and Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf in Greenbelt 3 (my personal favorite...so many memories here!)

But of course, nothing beats drinking complimentary 3-in-1 coffee in our hotel room while enjoying the view from our window. With that much caffeine intake and jet lag, you could just imagine if i ever slept when we got back here in the US.

6. UP Kbytes reunite! Grasya, Allan, Dante and i saw each other last in May 2007 and this time, we had a bigger cast. Ivy was scheduled to do business in Davao City for a day (she's from Kidapawan City) and i only got the information early in the morning of that Saturday so i had to gather everybody for an impromptu lunch and coffee at SM. It was so nice to see all of them again especially Ivy whom i haven't seen since the christening of her first baby my inaanak 8 years ago. She is one of my very first friends in UP and we shared a room after college and enjoyed those early years of independence.

I met again with Grasya, Dante & Allan to pursue the dinner we originally planned for at Gardena Fresca but a couple of days later, i woke up to a text message from Joy who was already on her way to Davao from General Santos City hoping to still catch me. And so we all congregated again for dinner and coffee. Grabeng gastos! But it was all worth it 'coz we had fun reminiscing the good old crazy days and just happy to be together again.

It was one full month of nonstop action but still not enough to accomplish everything we planned to do. It's difficult vacationing with a baby, we always have to attend to his needs first and adjust to his schedule. And did i tell you about our flight experience? 14 hours on the plane from San Francisco to Manila and back? hindi pa kami nakakarating sa Manila pagod na kay Racrac hahaha... But it's ok...masaya pa rin! We were also thankful that Racrac didn't get sick and he was always charming and active, a show-off most of the time, when he was around people.

We got back here in the US happy but tired, exhausted, stressed. I think i need a vacation after this vacation. hehehe...

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