my everyday source of joy

Last February 15, my baby turned 1. I couldn't believe it! Seems only yesterday when i was feeling him move inside me and waiting for him to come out. Fil and i survived the first year and though it's been said many times over and over again like a broken record that having a baby is life-changing, I couldn't agree enough.

Up until the day i had Racrac, my life's major moments included graduating from college and working on a Master's degree, securing a stable job and getting promoted, traveling in search for adventure, taking beautiful photos, doing small charities...building myself a house. I was single for 33 years and when these things happened i was truly happy and proud.

Yet i have always wanted to be part of something else, to belong, to have a family. In life, we know the cycle: graduate, work, get married, have children. I have friends who followed this pattern. It was like finding a life partner was easy for them, that they never thought twice about getting married or doubted the man they vowed to spend the rest of their lives with. I thought life was that simple too so i surrendered my fate to marrying my college sweetheart as soon as we're done with school. But he broke my heart so I deviated...departed from the path. Work was my escape. It was exciting, addictive, gratifying. But later it became a drag and before i knew it i was nearing 30 so i panicked, retraced my steps and followed the trail. I met Mr. Nice Guy but we forced the issue: we talked about the 'M' word too early that we overlooked some things important in a relationship - like compatibility, for example. I remember he told me "if the shoe fits, wear it." I wore it, it was the right size, but it didn't match my dress.

And so I went on with my search. But sheez, finding a man to marry at age 30 when you've accomplished quite much for yourself was a herculean task - difficult, frustrating, disenchanting. The men i met were either married, gay, single and promiscuous, single with no direction in life or single and insecure. So I stopped looking...then surprise, surprise, i met Fil. Since we've been together, I had so many additions to my list of happy moments: our travels, meeting his family and friends, having my visa approved, arriving in the US and getting married. Intersperced among those moments was the news of being blessed with a baby. I was overjoyed!

But i was wrong. I didn't know until i gave birth to Racrac that the list would seem lame and lackluster. Though i am proud of my personal accomplishments and recognize them as part of who and what i am now, I am surprised by how much his entry into my life has made me happy. I love my pet cat like crazy and i love kids...i adore my nephews and nieces but nothing came close to holding my own and be entrusted with his life. It brought sensations of joy and happiness mixed with fear and nervous anticipation of my new role and responsibility. I wasn't lucky to do a normal delivery but i was awake and conscious under the knife and my eyes welled up when i heard his first cry. That moment wasn't captured: no photographs, no videos...but the feeling and the memory i will forever remember and keep.

As i watch him grow, i always recall our first days together. During those early morning feedings, i remember him going back to sleep with his face pressed against my breasts. I would be holding him while listening to his soft breathing and the music (Beethoven's Sonata Pathetique) coming from one of his crib toys. Those were sweet moments and the memory soothes me like hot chocolate with marshmallows on a cold, cold day.

Fast forward to now and here he is: a happy healthy sweet active playful baby who is always laughing, cooing, smiling, talking, dancing, giggling, wiggling. I revel in everything he does like the feel of his small hands exploring my face or pulling my hair, the sound of his laughter, his awkwardly cute dance steps, his embrace, his bright round eyes, his healthy glow, his energy...his very presence.

But days are not always bright and gay. There are days when i felt tired, exhausted, uninterested. A couple of times he broke my patience so i shouted at him and he cried...but he didn't ran away. Instead he extended his tiny arms and reached for me (while crying) and i picked him up and we ended up in a sweet embrace. Hayyy...the joys and pains of motherhood. This may sound corny to some but if you are a mother or a father or has ever lived with a baby, i know that you feel me.

The day Fil and i got married, love and hope for the future filled us. It sealed our relationship and legalized the developing baby. That day marked the end of my crazy life (and his crazy life too, if i may say) and the beginning of a new one for us together. The ceremony was not the end of our journey, not the culmination of our dreams, definitely not the ever after of fairy tales nor the epilogue of a story. It was our prelude to joy. Joy has taken a different meaning for me now: it is no longer simply a word i interchange with happiness nor an abstract concept used to express a positive emotion. Joy is my life now with Fil and baby Raclif and i am thankful for experiencing it everyday.

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