letting go

forgot to mention that Racrac started going to day care about a month ago. Fil has been floating the idea since Racrac turned 1 and i was the hesitant mom always telling him that i'll think about it. until one morning i woke up in a very bad mood and was barking at Racrac and Fil the whole day. i felt tired, lacking of sleep, bored, old, ugly. i looked in the mirror and i was like "who is this angry woman staring back at me?" i think i cried because Fil got so concerned he again offered the solution of sending Racrac to day care and this time he was serious and wouldn't take 'no' for an answer.

so the next day after that incident we checked out the small home care facility recommended by our friends, chatted with the retired Filipino couple who runs it and arranged for Racrac to be there at least twice a week. he had his first day there last September 4. Fil drops him off on his way to work then picks him up after office...equivalent to 8 hours of "free" time for me. Racrac cried every time Fil leaves him there for the first 3 weeks but now, he's ok. I think he enjoys being there!

as for me, it wasn't exactly what i can call free time. when Racrac's in day care, i am lost in the blur of household chores except that now i can accomplish things faster because he isn't there to jump over the fresh clean clothes while i'm folding them, i can do my grocery shopping in peace and i don't have to think about dropping what i'm doing so i could feed him or change his diaper or give him a bath. i've also done some walking and biking at the park a couple of times. just a couple of miles from our house is Lake Elizabeth Central Park. i have circled the 2-mile trail around the lake and it was fun! I've also visited Fremont's main library and wow, i could literally borrow everything i want for free, even tagalog DVDs! yeheyyy!... For the first time since i've been here, i am now seeing more of our community and its people. soon i plan to start looking for a job. wish me luck!

so there, it wasn't as bad as i first thought it would be. I have been trying to keep Racrac to myself for the past 18 months because i was worried that the day care staff will not pay attention to his needs as much as i would and i also have this "guilt" that as a stay-at-home-mom i should do what i have to do which is to take care of my baby 24/7. but the thing is, stay-at-home-moms need time for themselves too. Just because you don’t have to go to work everyday doesn’t mean you won’t need to get out of the house without the kids. I need timeouts too, take care of myself, so i can take care of my family.

do i miss Racrac when he's at day care? not really because i am so preoccupied that the 8 hours seem to just fly by like a breeze. but i do think about him when, say, it's time for him to eat lunch or take his nap. so far it has worked well for all of us. I have regained some of my "freedom" back and has started exploring other things outside the home. Racrac is now more sociable and warms up with people easily unlike before when it would take him about an hour to interact with strangers at a party. Now he plays with other kids without always checking on me and running to me if i escape his sight. But the best thing is that seeing other kids eat has developed the habit in him too. Feeding him has been one of the two challenges for me as a mother so far and it's a relief to finally see him finishing off his food. As for Fil, well now that i have more time to experiment in the kitchen, if he goes home from work to his favorite monggo-sinigang-spaghetti dinner combo and a smiling wife, then he's a happy man :)

The other challenge which I still see no remedy so far is that Racrac has remained the active hyperkinetic boy that he has always been since he started walking at 9 months. which makes me wonder, could my life have been easier if i had a girl? i see some toddler girls but none of them ever came close to half of Racrac's locomotive skills. most of them are mellow and behaved, the type who would sit still in her high chair to eat dinner. if Racrac is like that then i could get a pedicure everyday hahaha...but then i wouldn't exchange it for anything. i love watching my baby so active, so full of life, bursting with energy and erupting in nonstop joy...even if just looking at him makes me tired...and even if i have to join him most of the time and end up with aching muscles. now i am really glad to have a couple of days off each week! hahaha...

enough of me babbling about my joys and woes as a stay-at-home mom. soon i'll get a job and have a totally different problem! hay naku...life is ALWAYS complicated! :D

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